Hellfins Adventures in Gozo

Starring in Alphabetical Order
Paul "I'ma notta gay!" Adams
Phil "Mad Dog" Clifton
Sally "Nigella Lawson" Gray
Ellie "Aqua Marina" Hardman
Peter "Mr Smooth" Hay
Katie "Top Marshall" Lindsay
Sid "The Marlborough Man" Lothian
Sarah "Two Cones" Malone
Matt "The Scribbler" Metcalf
Tony "Afroman" Monckton
Mike "The Mysterious One Armed Man" Pollard
Ruth "The Gorgeous" Reinicke
Pippa "Whose got my fishnet top?" Rouse
Julie "The Laughing Torpedo" Shanahan
Matt "Slackbladder" Slack
Janos "The Goth in a fishnet top" Suto
Dee "Where's My Damn Nitrox!" Ward

Special appearance by Mr Ed as the Seahorse
Produced by Ellie Hardman
Directed by Phil Clifton
Marshalled by Katie Lindsay

A short time ago, on a small island far, far away, a group of weary travellers met at Flat 10, Emphyrian Apartments, St Marys Street, Marsalforn. It was not what you would call plush but it would become the stuff of legends and would go down in the annals of the Hellfins Club as....Café Phil. They came from all walks of life; bankers, civil servants; middle managers, engineers, techie type people, even normal people; but all shared a common bond. They all liked to dress in black neoprene suits and jump off perfectly good boats.

We all gathered in the lowest of the three flats on Monday morning everyone was only just awake, almost everyone, Ellie was running around shaking her hair and shouting "Lets go diving, lets go diving..." she must have Red Bull in her veins.

"Right everybody, thanks for coming..." said Phil and this started what became part of the daily routine at Café Phil and the two apartments above; wake up a little bit, fight for the bathroom, coffee and tea, breakfast, wake up a little more, more coffee and tea and briefing for the day with those most awake collecting tanks.

In suitable chaos we set out for a checkout dive at Xwejni Bay a three minute drive from the apartments where I tried to drown Paul and Ellie while practising the nose suck, hope the teeth marks on your noses will fade soon guys.

In the first of the two night dives Peter was chasing an octopus, with Ellie chasing Peter, a camera attached to her face blinding every fish in sight with her flash. After a few minutes they realised they did not know where they were so they asked the octopus and he kindly pointed the way, unfortunately for Peter he followed the wrong arm and they ended up in the wrong bay. Doh!

The gateway to Cathedral Cavern was a 15 minute drive from Marsalforn and a hellish walk down from the cliffs to a small pebble bay. Janos and I left the others behind to phaff a bit longer and we started the surface swim out of the cove, pushing jellyfish and dead birds out of the way. I could hear the cries as the swarms of jellyfish (already alerted by our presence) attacked the divers following behind.

"Ow!"

Ouch! F*@kin jellyf... Ouch!"

"Eek! A dead rabbit!"

Mercifully their pained expressions were hidden from our view by a bend in the cove. The cavern entrance is not visible from the surface and once bored by the cries we descended to 30m and then ascended slowly approaching the entrance over large boulders and sand. We did our safety stop and watched the others approaching, silhouetted against the pale blue sea; hopefully Janos has one good photo, he took about 3,000 before we had surfaced inside! We could've played water polo in the cavern it was so big and with the most beautiful blue colour at one end where the sunlight lit the water from under the hidden entrance. While most of us finned around admiring its echoing qualities Janos and Sid lit up a cigar in celebration, I'm sure the smoke will linger there for long time, just like a bad smell under a duvet. Janos must've been exhausted by the smoking and photo taking as he made me tow him back while giving AV, by the end I felt like I had smoked the cigar myself! Having navigated past the jellyfish, dead rabbit and birds I needed to do a de-kit for my Sports Diver but needed another volunteer. Janos made a personal contribution to help raise the sea level and then called Ellie over to act as the victim just as the dead rabbit came floating round the corner. Priceless. For everything else in life and diving there's Mastercard.

On Friday and having been given a promise (of sorts) from Pete the Videoman, "I'll show you seahorses if you buy my DVD of yourselves" we headed back to the Blue Hole and the Inland Sea for the 3rd time. With our make up on and our kit polished we gathered in the Coral Gardens. After suitable chaos and phaffing The Hellfins Horde followed the ever graceful Phil down to the cavern, with Pete the Videoman scouting ahead searching for the seahorses. Every time he lingered at a spot the Horde swooped in.

Is that the seahorse?

No it's a sponge.

But I saw it move.

No it's a sponge.

But I...

No! It's a bloody sponge!

Buddies where lost, tempers flared; there was mask scratching and bum biting; air consumption doubled, tripled, quadrupled! Then the group lingered for longer than normal, tempers calmed, the bubbles subsided, could this be it! The seahorse! The seahorse! Whoosh! A dark shadow shot passed as if fired from a submarine, I recognised the go faster stripes on her wetsuit "Good day to ya Miss Julie" I said as I tumbled over and over in her jet wash. A few saw the seahorse and fewer still took photos most just saw a wetsuited backside, amazing how such things are magnified under water. You could park a RIB in that I thought.

Later that night in Smugglers we watched the video to everyone's amusement, so popular was it that another couple of couples bought copies too, no doubt impressed by the Paper Scissors Rock game and a special rendition of the Hokey Cokey we did while on our safety stop in the Blue Hole.

The last dive for the majority of us on Saturday was in Gudja Cavern a 15 minute boat trip in two RIBs north from Marsalforn. We entered the lower of the two entrances at 25m and swam 15 minutes in to the farthest point, through a wicked thermo cline and surfaced in an enclosed cavern. On the exit route through the 6m entrance Peter spotted a slipper lobster on the rock, doing what ever it is lobsters do. Ruth with Eagle Eyes had spotted an octopus disguising itself as an ugly boulder, but it got annoyed when a herd of divers descended towards it and it shot off.

Getting back on to the RIBs was made easy as they both had mini ladders. Due to the long journey out and the amount of water we had drunk it was inevitable that someone would crack before we had returned to Marsalforn. Matt S couldn't hold back the call of nature any longer and started relieve himself at the bow at the same time as George (who runs the Calypso Dive Centre) was ascending after freeing up the anchor. He managed to tuck himself in just as George surfaced in the worst spot he could pick, if you know what I mean. Although we seemed to have forgotten he had borrowed Matt's mask and Paul's BCD and regs when he came through the "handmade thermo cline"! So guys a bit of detol wouldn't go amiss when you rinse your kit.

T'was the last night and we gathered as tradition dictates at Café Phil. "Right everyone, thanks for coming..." said Phil and there followed hearty congratulations and thanks to all for making the trip so much fun and going so smoothly. But before we adjourned we presented Katie with an early birthday cake that had been caressed and nurtured over the bumpy Gozo roads, sorry road, by Dee. There then followed a suitably aggressive feeding and drinking frenzy until all the alcohol, nibbles and cake from all three flats had been consumed and we headed off into town for another suitably aggressive feeding and drinking frenzy. A hardcore group headed off into the other town for some clubbing while most of us headed back to the apartments, Peter stayed up to drink wine on the balcony asking any of girls if they would like to join for a "chat" and to count the shooting stars. Smooth.

Serious bit; the sea temperature was 24C, 5mm semi drys would do but I needed a hood too. Air temperature between 23-25C, nights were a little cooler and a light jumper or jacket was needed. The vis was between 15-20m and up to 30m on a few occasions. Most did 2 dives per day, a few managed 3 on occasion. We dived at Xwejni Bay, The Blue Hole, Inland Sea, Reqqa Point, Cathedral Cavern and Gudja Cavern.

Sarah and I completed our Sports Diver and Katie got her Dive Marshalling so big thanks to the instructors (Phil and Janos) for their help and patience and for all the "Victims" out there past, present and future.

We all had a really good time and lived happily ever after except the seahorse who is currently under going treatment for Post Traumatic Stress at The Priory.